The Ugliest Trait

Jealousy.

Ugh. I hate that word. I hate, even more, the fact that I struggle with it. It has literally taken me a few months to even start writing this blog. I felt embarrassed and ashamed to admit I sometimes have jealousy issues. But then It got me to thinking that there are probably lots of women out there who also have this struggle. They may be a little slow to admit it as well. So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and admit some things and hope that it can help someone else in their struggle.

Remember when we were teenagers and fitting in was one of the top priorities? We had to wear the right clothes, say the right things, watch the right shows, and listen to the right music. Having friends and being invited to the "cool parties" was a big deal. As a teen, I thought all of that would just suddenly disappear when I got older. I never thought adults needed to fit in or feel like they had to compare. Some how when you turned a certain age, that whole need to be "cool" just disappears. You get married and then you suddenly don't ever worry about those extra pounds or love handles.

Yeah, wrong.

I'm an adult, married, etc and none of that has gone away. And if you are being honest, I think the same may be true for you. Even just a little.

I still look in the mirror and wish I was skinnier. I worry what other may think of my stomach pooching out that extra "baby flab." I still obsess over making friends and wondering if I'm weird or saying things that would make other think I'm uncool. I find myself comparing myself to others CONSTANTLY! It gets bad sometimes. I find myself feeling like a loser seeing other people doing wonderfully fun ad exciting things in their lives and I'm just blah, boring Laura.

It makes me feel gross inside knowing I think these things.

It's stupid and a waist of time. Why do I feel this way? Even when I reprimand myself every time those feelings of envy and jealousy flash through my mind?

"Dang, she looks good for just having a baby 2 months ago. I'm 4 1/2 months postpartum and I still look like I'm with child."

"Wow, I wish I were invited. I must be lame and boring."

"Their house is so neat and organized. I'm so lazy."

I find myself saying these things over and over and over.

Not even because I feel sorry for myself or anything. They just flash through my mind without hesitation.

It got me thinking that I need to do something about it. I can't live a life filled with envy, jealousy, and comparisons. I need a change of heart because these thoughts are not productive!

I listened to an awesome little radio bit on Mormon Channel about dealing with jealousy. I loved the part when she suggested naming at least one thing a day you are thankful for. Because jealousy and envy are signs of ungratefulness. Being jealous just shows how ungrateful you are towards your own life, that you have to be angry towards people who seem to have things going their way.

I'm going to work on that. Being grateful for even the simplest things in my life.

I also read an inspiring Enisgn article. I was happy to see that I'm not the only one who has spurts of envy. I was also happy to find a great resource for over coming it. Losing myself in the service of others. Digging deep and letting the Lord "refinish" me.

I AM unique. I AM enough. I don't need to compare to others. I have all I could ever need.

This month I am going to focus on this. I'm going to look hard at myself and get to the bottom of these insecurities.

Being a woman can be hard. Being ANY kind of human can be hard. Especially socially. I think it's important to support each other instead of compare. Everyone is fighting their own personal battles and sometimes wearing a facade. Instead of envying, I'm going to be happy for others. Celebrate their accomplishments. Celebrate MY accomplishments. Let's be happy for each other, shall we?