The Happiest Sad

As summer approaches, so does the anniversary of  the hardest, most beautiful thing I've ever done in my life. Most of my friends know, but there are still some who do not. It is something I hold very close to my heart. It has impacted my whole life and has molded me into the woman I am today.

4 years ago, I had just recently graduated from high school. I got a new boyfriend and we were in love. A few months later, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. My whole world turned upside down. My boyfriend decided he was not interested in being a dad and we broke up. My life was falling apart. After weeks and weeks of spending time on my knees praying for guidance, I was inspired to seek adoption for my growing peanut.

I found an amazing couple who was/is unable to have children on their own. While I was praying for guidance for what to do with this child, I was so ill-equipped to raise, they were praying for a child that they could bring into their home and love as their own. Events in our lives aligned so perfectly and I found them for a reason. We emailed for a few months before we met in person. It felt right. I officially chose them a month or so before our little baby was born.

I was having a girl. A precious girl. The love I had for this sweet girl who I had never met was unreal. I had this adoption plan all planned out. She was going to have a great life. One I was not able to give her being single, 19, and working a minimum waged job. Admitting I was not ready to be a parent to this perfect baby was hard. Knowing I would never be called mommy by her was even harder. The thought of watching other people raise her was hardest. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest. Nothing could prepare me for what was going to happen in a few months.

July 7th, 2012, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen was born into the world. At 11:01 pm, I became a mother. She was perfect. She had the most beautiful black hair (lots of it), big dark eyes, and the fullest lips. She was such a good baby. She barely cried. We spent 48 hours together. My family rallied by my side for support and to dote on our pretty girl. 48 hours had come and passed all too quickly. Those precious hours I hold so sacred to my heart.

July 9th. 8pm. It was a Monday. My case worker entered my room with a big stack of papers. We read through them, and I signed my name, what felt like, 100 times. Statements like, "I willingly relinquish my rights" and "I no longer hold the authority to be this child's guardian" were stated and I signed my name. Tears spilled out of my eyes as I held this sweet baby as I relinquished every right I had to her. I was no longer her parent. I no longer had say over anything in her life. It felt like knives in my heart every line I signed. Why was I doing this to myself? I could change my mind at any moment and leave this hospital with my daughter. I was doing it for her. She deserved a mom and dad. A stable home. She is what helped me go through with it. She was sleeping like an angel as my tears soaked her blankets. Totally unaware of all the heartache that was happening around her. I was losing a daughter. My sisters were losing a niece. My parents were losing a granddaughter. It was almost unbearable, but all I had to do was look at that precious girl and remember why I was going through this. It wasn't about me. If it were, she would still be here with me.

After papers were signed, my caseworker let me have some time alone before I gave my sweet baby to her new parents. My sisters, mom, and I dressed her in a beautiful white outfit. We cried. I never knew our bodies were able to produce so many tears. I read her "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." My dad sang her "You are My Sunshine." and we kissed and hugged her and told her how much we loved her. What do you say to your child as you prepare for her to be placed with another family? When we were as ready as we could be, I texted my case worker and let her know I was ready.

When Toby, Nicole, and Taylee came into our room, a thick feeling of love and peace smothered us! I knew I was making the best decision. We talked for a while. We admired that sweet girl swaddled up so comfortably. We exchanged our thoughts and love for each other. And then, it was time. I stood up, walked to her new mom and laid her in her arms. We sobbed together, hugged each other so tight. It was truly the happiest sad. Sacrificing my role as "mom" was sad. But, knowing Kinley would have the life she so well deserved was happy! My family and I left the hospital shortly after. I was numb. I woke up the next day pretty convinced that was all just a crazy dream. It wasn't.

Fast forward 3 years. Bouncy, smiley, silly Kinley is just about to turn 3! I have been a part of her life her whole life! I have been able to see her just about every time we are in Utah. Which is about 4 or so times a year! We FaceTime, we call, I text her mom, she sends me pictures, we are friends on social media! Kinley knows who I am. She knows she grew in my tummy and that I love her so very much. My heart still hurts when I reflect on the hard decisions I made. Not because I regret anything, but because, well, it was HARD! I can't really relate the pain to anything other than someone dying. Except, Kinley didn't die. But I still have pain and grief of a loss. A very different and kind of loss one can only really understand if they have gone through it.

Kinley knows me as Laura, her birth mom. I refer to her as my daughter or birth daughter. Her family and I are pretty much like a big family. Our relationship is so wonderful. Allie has met her and we tell her Kinley is her sister(because they are). They will grow up knowing each other and having a relationship as well. As Kinley has gotten older, her parents have done such a good job at explaining how and why she was adopted(age appropriate, of course). I am so grateful they have been open and honest with her. honesty in adoption is something I feel so strongly about. Grant has known about Kinley since before she was born. We knew each other while I was still pregnant. He has come with me to every visit since we got engaged! Kinley loves him as well. She actually has a little crush on him that is the most adorable thing in the world!

About a week after placement, I started a blog. It has helped me heal tremendously. I started it to document things with my adoption, share my journey in hopes to inspire or help other women in my situation, and also so Kinley can look back and read to better understand why I chose adoption for her. Follow the link and read more in-depth! It has been so important for me to advocate for open adoptions. I have written a few articles for some adoption organizations, and about 6 months ago, I joined United for Adoption as a birthparent board member, for the Colorado chapter. I have made so many friends through adoption. It is my goal to advocate and educate the world about adoption. It can be is beautiful. It isn't like the horror stories the media and Hollywood portray it to be.

I never imagined my life would include giving birth and placing a baby at 19 years old. But, it happened. And I wouldn't change a thing. I brought a beautiful girl into the world and I gave her parents something they couldn't give themselves. For that, I am proud. I truly believe I wouldn't be where I am today if none of that came to be. These trials have made me a better person, better mother, better wife, and better follower of Christ. I didn't go where I intended to go, but I ended up where I needed to be.

Happy almost 3rd birthday, Kinley Lyn!