The Happiest Sad

As summer approaches, so does the anniversary of  the hardest, most beautiful thing I've ever done in my life. Most of my friends know, but there are still some who do not. It is something I hold very close to my heart. It has impacted my whole life and has molded me into the woman I am today.

4 years ago, I had just recently graduated from high school. I got a new boyfriend and we were in love. A few months later, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. My whole world turned upside down. My boyfriend decided he was not interested in being a dad and we broke up. My life was falling apart. After weeks and weeks of spending time on my knees praying for guidance, I was inspired to seek adoption for my growing peanut.

I found an amazing couple who was/is unable to have children on their own. While I was praying for guidance for what to do with this child, I was so ill-equipped to raise, they were praying for a child that they could bring into their home and love as their own. Events in our lives aligned so perfectly and I found them for a reason. We emailed for a few months before we met in person. It felt right. I officially chose them a month or so before our little baby was born.

I was having a girl. A precious girl. The love I had for this sweet girl who I had never met was unreal. I had this adoption plan all planned out. She was going to have a great life. One I was not able to give her being single, 19, and working a minimum waged job. Admitting I was not ready to be a parent to this perfect baby was hard. Knowing I would never be called mommy by her was even harder. The thought of watching other people raise her was hardest. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest. Nothing could prepare me for what was going to happen in a few months.

July 7th, 2012, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen was born into the world. At 11:01 pm, I became a mother. She was perfect. She had the most beautiful black hair (lots of it), big dark eyes, and the fullest lips. She was such a good baby. She barely cried. We spent 48 hours together. My family rallied by my side for support and to dote on our pretty girl. 48 hours had come and passed all too quickly. Those precious hours I hold so sacred to my heart.

July 9th. 8pm. It was a Monday. My case worker entered my room with a big stack of papers. We read through them, and I signed my name, what felt like, 100 times. Statements like, "I willingly relinquish my rights" and "I no longer hold the authority to be this child's guardian" were stated and I signed my name. Tears spilled out of my eyes as I held this sweet baby as I relinquished every right I had to her. I was no longer her parent. I no longer had say over anything in her life. It felt like knives in my heart every line I signed. Why was I doing this to myself? I could change my mind at any moment and leave this hospital with my daughter. I was doing it for her. She deserved a mom and dad. A stable home. She is what helped me go through with it. She was sleeping like an angel as my tears soaked her blankets. Totally unaware of all the heartache that was happening around her. I was losing a daughter. My sisters were losing a niece. My parents were losing a granddaughter. It was almost unbearable, but all I had to do was look at that precious girl and remember why I was going through this. It wasn't about me. If it were, she would still be here with me.

After papers were signed, my caseworker let me have some time alone before I gave my sweet baby to her new parents. My sisters, mom, and I dressed her in a beautiful white outfit. We cried. I never knew our bodies were able to produce so many tears. I read her "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." My dad sang her "You are My Sunshine." and we kissed and hugged her and told her how much we loved her. What do you say to your child as you prepare for her to be placed with another family? When we were as ready as we could be, I texted my case worker and let her know I was ready.

When Toby, Nicole, and Taylee came into our room, a thick feeling of love and peace smothered us! I knew I was making the best decision. We talked for a while. We admired that sweet girl swaddled up so comfortably. We exchanged our thoughts and love for each other. And then, it was time. I stood up, walked to her new mom and laid her in her arms. We sobbed together, hugged each other so tight. It was truly the happiest sad. Sacrificing my role as "mom" was sad. But, knowing Kinley would have the life she so well deserved was happy! My family and I left the hospital shortly after. I was numb. I woke up the next day pretty convinced that was all just a crazy dream. It wasn't.

Fast forward 3 years. Bouncy, smiley, silly Kinley is just about to turn 3! I have been a part of her life her whole life! I have been able to see her just about every time we are in Utah. Which is about 4 or so times a year! We FaceTime, we call, I text her mom, she sends me pictures, we are friends on social media! Kinley knows who I am. She knows she grew in my tummy and that I love her so very much. My heart still hurts when I reflect on the hard decisions I made. Not because I regret anything, but because, well, it was HARD! I can't really relate the pain to anything other than someone dying. Except, Kinley didn't die. But I still have pain and grief of a loss. A very different and kind of loss one can only really understand if they have gone through it.

Kinley knows me as Laura, her birth mom. I refer to her as my daughter or birth daughter. Her family and I are pretty much like a big family. Our relationship is so wonderful. Allie has met her and we tell her Kinley is her sister(because they are). They will grow up knowing each other and having a relationship as well. As Kinley has gotten older, her parents have done such a good job at explaining how and why she was adopted(age appropriate, of course). I am so grateful they have been open and honest with her. honesty in adoption is something I feel so strongly about. Grant has known about Kinley since before she was born. We knew each other while I was still pregnant. He has come with me to every visit since we got engaged! Kinley loves him as well. She actually has a little crush on him that is the most adorable thing in the world!

About a week after placement, I started a blog. It has helped me heal tremendously. I started it to document things with my adoption, share my journey in hopes to inspire or help other women in my situation, and also so Kinley can look back and read to better understand why I chose adoption for her. Follow the link and read more in-depth! It has been so important for me to advocate for open adoptions. I have written a few articles for some adoption organizations, and about 6 months ago, I joined United for Adoption as a birthparent board member, for the Colorado chapter. I have made so many friends through adoption. It is my goal to advocate and educate the world about adoption. It can be is beautiful. It isn't like the horror stories the media and Hollywood portray it to be.

I never imagined my life would include giving birth and placing a baby at 19 years old. But, it happened. And I wouldn't change a thing. I brought a beautiful girl into the world and I gave her parents something they couldn't give themselves. For that, I am proud. I truly believe I wouldn't be where I am today if none of that came to be. These trials have made me a better person, better mother, better wife, and better follower of Christ. I didn't go where I intended to go, but I ended up where I needed to be.

Happy almost 3rd birthday, Kinley Lyn!

Never Say Never: Why We Ditched the Disposables and Switched to Cloth

If there is one thing I've learned since becoming a mom, is to NEVER say never….like ever! If I had a nickel for every thing I said I'd never do something when I have kids, and ended up doing that thing, I'd have a couple dollars!

So, rewind 6 months, back in November. I had a friend tell me that she cloth diapered! What?! people still do that? Like, normal people? I was intrigued. She showed me the diaper and it looked nothing like a big piece of cloth and safety pins. She explained a little of it to me, and I had to know more about this. I spent weeks researching cloth diapering. I read blog after blog and watched Youtube videos until there were none left! It fascinated me! I couldn't believe I was so interested! I talked to Grant about it, and he laughed. Not because he was grossed out, but because I tend to get obsessed with something and then a few weeks later, be over it. I was going to drop everything and go gung-ho about the cloth diapering! I took his advice and decided I needed a better reason to do it.

Fast forward to now. Here I am blogging while Allie sleeps and her diapers wash in the washer! Yep! We made the switch a couple weeks ago! We haven't thrown a diaper in the trash in almost 3 weeks!

Before you roll your eyes and write me off as a crazy hippy freak who plays in her child's poo, hear me out! It's not a crazy and gross and time-consuming as you may think! I had a handful of friends ask that I do a post about cloth diapering and how it works. So, here is part one of a cloth diapering series I'm going to start! Remember that i'm fairly new at this, so I'm no expert. So, for you veterans reading this, please correct me on anything wrong!

So why did I ditch the disposables, you may ask?

-We are saving SO much money! It has been costing us $80 a month for diapers/wipes. Allie is now 8 months old. So, $640 has been shelled out in diapering alone! And she still has probably a year at least left in her diapering career! So, we would probably spend about $2400 if she were potty trained at 2 1/2.

I have spent about $450 on all her cloth diapering supplies! These diapers will last her until she is potty trained! Of course, with reusable diapers, water and energy are included. With our water, we have a base price we pay for a certain amount of gallons we use. We have never exceeded that, and Grant and I do a lot of laundry. 1 or 2 extra loads a week will not affect that. So, we are not paying anymore in water. I'm not sure exactly how much extra we are paying in energy with a couple extra loads, but nowhere near enough to exceed $2400.

The part that REALLY saves us money is when we have more kids. These diapers will last a few kids. We won't have to buy new ones. Unless, of course, they wear out or we have a boy and want a couple boy prints. Even so, a lot less than $2400 each kid.

We have decided to take the money we are saving and put it towards our student loan debt! Very beneficial for us! A penny saved is a penny earned, right?

- Babies produce a ton of diapers….no really, on average, a child will produce 1 ton of diapers! We plan on having a few kids! That will add up! And all those diapers won't decompose for 500 years! Crazy, huh? If cloth diapering means I can do my part in not filling up a landfill, I'm all for it.

There was a news clip on our local news that said our local landfill will probably be filled up and closed down in 17 years! It hit close to home! This news is what gave me the push to switch to cloth diapers!

-Aside from the economical and earthly reasons for switching, cloth diapers are super soft! Its like wearing a pillow on her bum, I bet!

I don't write this to make mothers who use disposables feel bad. Nor do I want to come across as a "holier than thou" mother. I just blog about our life…and well, this is our life now! Plus, like I said, I had more than one person ask me to do a post about cloth diapering!

So, there ya have it, we have a fluffy bum in the house! It has been working out really well for us!

Babies Don't Keep

I can't believe our sweet Allie Jane will be 7 months old in 5 days! seriously, didn't she JUST come home from the hospital??

I've noticed she will go a few weeks or even months normal, and then all of a sudden, she will grow up right before our eyes! The past few days have been no different! She started sitting up pretty good a month or so go. She would be totally bent over and barely balancing with her hands. A week or so ago, she also started getting into a plank position and sometimes get up on her hands and knees like she was going to crawl! She also started eating "big girl" food and wasn't really sure if she liked it or not.

Well, we came down to Scottsdale for some dental conferences for Grant, and she has mastered sitting up, crawling, and is all about this food thing! Apparently, we needed some sun and warmth!

So intrigued with the grass

Last week, I totally had a melt down. I was realizing that our little baby is no longer a newborn and a full blown infant! It all started when she started trying to escape her baby bathtub. She was so done with laying in the bath sling. So, I went and got a laundry basket (yes, laundry basket) and turned it into a bath tub. It is the perfect invention! It's the exact size for her and the little holes are placed at the perfect height to be able to fill the basket enough for her! PLUS all her toys stay within reach.

Anyways, there was the bath upgrade. Then, I realized Allie hadn't used her swing in like 2 weeks! it was literally collecting dust and taking up space in our living room. So, I decided to take it down. It took me a week to finally get the courage to do it. We took it down and replaced it with a little jumparoo. She LOVES it! Every time you say "jump, jump. jump!" she gets super excited and jumps!

excited smile

At her 6 month appointment, our pediatrician said she was old enough to sleep in her own room. She challenged us to just try it one night and see how it goes. So, i did, and guess what? She slept ALL night in her own room…in her own bed! She woke up once to nurse and then went right back down. I was floored at how amazing she did! I woke up the most refreshed i have felt since before she was born! I hated that i enjoyed it so much! So, a week later, I took her co-sleeper down and put it in her closet. I cried when I broke it down. My sweet baby is no longer going to sleep next to our bed! As if that wasn't hard enough, I have to put her bouncer chair up in the shed as well. I usually put her in it while I shower, but I got out of the shower to see this…

Yeah, all done with the bouncer! She's not even safe when buckled!!!

So, as you can see, I had a tough month! My baby is growing up! I've really had a hard time! I think its because she is growing out of more than just clothes now. She is growing out of toys, and baby furniture she has been using since day one! I know all of these things need to happen, but I'm still sad! I am so grateful that I am able to still nurse her. She may be grown out of a lot of things, but I still get those small moments of holding and cuddling my baby. I don't even want to think about weaning. Luckily, I have no plans on that for at least another year. I caught myself crying when thinking of all the things she is growing out of. I swear it was just yesterday we welcomed her into this world! Now she is crawling, sitting up, and probably going to start saying words any time soon! 

After church cuddles

My sister and her family came and spent a week with us. They were looking for houses because they are moving back! Yay! here are some pictures!

Allie's cousin brother, Dax. They are going
to be best buds growing up!

"driving" the car

We went to Sam's club during nap time.
So, we made due with what we had ;)

Grant's parents and Aunt came to visit as well. We enjoyed our time with them!

playing piano with Grandma Butler

Great Aunt Marilyn (Birthday twins)

It was a tradition for Grant's family, while growing up, to go camping over Easter weekend. I really want to start fun traditions with our family. so, we decided since it was General Conference weekend, and the weather had been so warm, we would go on our first family camp out. Of course the weather turned cold and windy, so we decided to stay home and camp out in our living room. It was a good thing we stayed home, because Allie was going through a growth spurt and was up every couple hours that night. I don't even want to picture what it would have been like in the middle of nowhere outside!

All ready for our faux camp out

Our first Easter as a family of 3 was so fun as well. I'm really glad I got Allie's basket and little presents a few weeks before Easter, because it got really busy and we wouldn't have gotten her anything if we had waited. I know she won't remember anything anyways, but I still wanted to get her a basket and a few things! We never ended up getting our own baskets out, or the Easter decorations, but we got her stuff done. That's all that really mattered to me. Grant and I decided to do a joint present for the two of us and we got a grill for our back yard! We love it! Grant's cousin, Derek, and his family had us over for Easter dinner. We had lots of fun spending time with them and their boys!

Easter morning

She has this adorable smirk!

First Easter as a family of 3!

Here are some more random pictures from the last little while…

Her 6 month proffesional pictures

Her 6 month pictures I do with her monkey and quilt

Just a girl and her dog

She is always happy!

Enjoying her avocados

My Target buddy

Uh oh….

We were able to see my dad for about 20 minutes before our
flight left to phoenix. He was in town helping my sister move in!

Like I said, we have been down in Arizona for the past few days. We didn't tell anyone. Not even family. We just wanted to come down and relax and have our own little vacation. The past few months have been INSANE for us! Grant has been crazy busy with his work. He has come home at around 7pm almost every night the last little while. It's great that he has been busy, but very exhausting none the less. We have had people staying at the "Butler Hotel" (thats what our family calls our house when they come) off and on the last little while. I have admiration for those who host people in their homes on a regular basis! It's EXHAUSTING! But, we love having family/friends visit us! Anyways, it's been a really relaxing and enjoyable week in sunny Arizona! Its been nice to just sit on the couch and do nothing while Allie takes a nap! So, if you are family that lives in AZ and are reading this….WE LOVE YOU! We just wanted to take a mini vacation and not have to worry about running around Pheonix and having a set itinerary.

She LOVES swimming!

We celebrated G's birthday while we were here!
I got him a Go Pro Camera

There is an outdoor mall just a few blocks
down from our hotel that Allie and I
would walk down to

Sunday best

We went to dinner with some of Grant's dental
buddies he met at his classes. One of them snapped
this cute picture of them

Another thing this girl can't resist is eating the cart.
I've just given up on freaking out about it. Its a point-
less battle, I've decided.

One of our outings was to Babies R Us. I could
not resist buying this teether that looks like a
chicken wing! It makes me laugh!

A lady at the hotel asked if we wanted her to take a family picture for us.
Of course we said yes!

It has been so busy, that I haven't had much time to blog. I wish I was better at it, but our sweet girl keeps me super busy! With her being more mobile, it's been a constant game of keep-away (she loves anything made of paper, card board, or plastic), so literally, my days consist of making sure she doesn't die ;). I will say this…I love being a mom. It is the best job ever! I am exhausted most days, but being able to spend all day with my girl and to watch her grow and learn new things, can't compare to anything else. I am truly grateful Grant has a career that allows me to stay home. 

We took Grant's Go Pro down to the pool to try out and I compiled it all!